{"id":1287,"date":"2025-12-03T12:59:02","date_gmt":"2025-12-03T17:59:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/?p=1287"},"modified":"2025-12-03T12:59:04","modified_gmt":"2025-12-03T17:59:04","slug":"in-extremis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/?p=1287","title":{"rendered":"in extremis"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
I live here but this is not
my home.

I spend all day with these
people but they are
not my family. 

I labor relentlessly,
hour after hour
after hour,
but
build,
nourish,
create, complete,
accomplish, sustain,

nothing.

I give my body
willingly (reluctantly),
stoically (not indifferently)

to the machine,
to be consumed

vertically, top to bottom
a whore

(in between the numbers)

to
feed
my family,

to
be as
obsequious
as I need to be,

to
yes sir,
right sir,
right away sir,

until I'm allowed to go home.

What it takes from me
is no longer replaced,
and yet I have
no regrets,
having
no
other
option.

Threads are all I have these days.

I hang onto them with both hands
even if there's no way out
of this maze.

I wind them together if I get two,
or braid them if I get three,
but there's never
enough
to weave into
the fabric of a better life.

Sometimes I only have one
and then I make
nothing
at all.

I just hold on.

Hour after hour. Day after day.
Paycheck after paycheck.

I gave up food thinking I could
hold onto hope.
Now I have
neither
and
a
heating bill to pay.

The intensity of my daydreams
can't save us. (I'm no wizard).

They grant me only the burst
of the matchstick,
one
after
another.

Pff, pff, pff.

If you can't help my family
I no longer have
the time
or
the energy
to listen to you.

In fact, I no longer have
to listen
at all,

I
only
have to endure.

I endure with dignity.

I sacrifice pride,
entitlement,
self pity,
and
every
illusion
that has ever
tricked me into
walking a false path.

I need to know where I stand
even if it's only in front
of a mirror
with
black eyes.

I'm haunted.
Dogged by fear.

It walks with me, sleeps with me,
eats with me. I can't shake
it anymore,
there's
no
escape.

It's etched itself on my face
deeper than any scar.

I treasure every good moment
knowing it'll never come again.

I treasure every good moment
knowing there may never
be another.

I forgive everything else.

I live here, pared away from
my home, from
who I am
and
where
I belong,
from all good
and beautiful things,
from wholeness,
duty, obligation,
satisfaction.

I leave the best of myself
behind when I'm here.
I am what's left.

I give everything I have.
I am what's left.

I have nothing for anyone else.
I am what's left.

If there's a way out I will find it.
If there's a way out.
I will.<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
December 3, 2025<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I live here but this is notmy home.I spend all…<\/p>\n
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