{"id":451,"date":"2021-09-17T10:12:46","date_gmt":"2021-09-17T14:12:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/?p=451"},"modified":"2021-09-25T07:33:01","modified_gmt":"2021-09-25T11:33:01","slug":"jeanette","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/?p=451","title":{"rendered":"Jeanette"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"You look tired.\"\n\nAre you saying I can't do my job?\nAre you saying I shouldn't be here?\nAre you saying I'm old, ugly, worn out?\n\nUseless?\n\n(\"I can't,\" she said.)\n\nWhy do you persist? Insist? I hold up\nmy head by way of meat and bone.\n\nIsn't that enough?\n\nWhat else am I supposed to do? To be?\n\n(\"I can't do this.\")\n\nYou whose name I know\nonly from the plastic\nrectangle pinned to\nyour uniform like\nmine: \"At your\nservice\nsince\"\nit's\nnot a\nprison, a\nschool, I'm not\nhere for an interview,\nan audition, a loan, a raise,\ndo I have to smile to assuage\nyour false concern? (\"I can't do\nthis anymore,\") you nobody to\na nobody who just wants to\nget through one more\nshift, one more bus\nride, one more\nalarm, one\nmore\nlook\nat\na\nface\nI only\nrecognize through\nlong acquaintance\nwith plum eyes\nand bird beak\nand slash\nmouth\nand\n\n(she said, I was told,\nshe walked away,\nno two weeks,\nno notice)\n\nI wonder sometimes do I look\ndifferent, to them, to their\nanimal gazes skipping\nover me like ruminant\ntongues I don't\nneed \"You\nlook,\"\n\ndo\nyou?\n\n(\"I can't,\"\nshe said,\nand\n\nshe walked away.\n\n\"I can't do this anymore.\"\n\nTwo decades my senior, we bonded\nover suicidal ideation and cats and\nmen we shouldn't have let do what\nthey did and a mutual revulsion\nfor our own sex. \"I can't do this,\"\nshe said. \"I can't do this\nanymore.\"\nand\n\nshe\n\ngave me a gift, a definition of love.\n\n\"It makes me happy,\"\nshe said, \"to see you happy.\"\n\nshe\n\ngave me a number, to the suicide\nhotline she'd dialed the year be-\nfore, torn from a magazine,\nwith a pretty picture on\nthe other side, a sea-\nshell among bright\nberries, so I wove\nit into a collage,\nand so poetry\nis collage,\nand so\nI was\ninspired\n\nby\nher,\n\nby\nmy\nfirst\nwork\nfriend,\nbefore I\nunderstood\nthe difference,\nbefore I understood\nthe difference, I loved her.\n\nshe\n\ndidn't\nwaste words\non bitterness or\ndespair, she got out\nof bed every day to show\nup, to lift up, without complaint,\nto let dark humor and sacrifice\nroll us through concrete mornings.\n\nThat's why I didn't waste words,\nthat's why I got out of bed,\nevery day, to show up,\nto lift up, my wonder-\nful young people,\nto meet them\nwhere\nthey\nwere,\nand\nso\n\nI\nwas\nloved\nin return.\n\nShe will never\nknow how much she\nmeant to me, to my future.\n\nI met my friends, my son, I met\nthe only life I ever want, head\non, straight through, be-\ncause of her,\nbecause\nI met\nher.)\n\nI am so grateful.\n\nI have a home.\nI have a job.\nI have a family.\n\n(\"I can't\" she said.\n\nI miss her.\n\n\"I can't do this anymore.\")\n\nand\n\nshe walked away,\nto where, and how,\n\nI will never\nknow.<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
September 17, 2021<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
“You look tired.” Are you saying I can’t do my…<\/p>\n
Continue ReadingJeanette<\/span> <\/i><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[6,2],"class_list":["post-451","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poetry","tag-6","tag-poetry","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/451","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=451"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/451\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=451"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=451"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ajaxkallistrate.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=451"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}