there's a meme about grandmothers are you happy? are you fed? are you loved? i find it wonderful and absurd why would anyone care if i am happy? if i am fed? if i am loved? how much simpler it would have been if my father had succeeded in cutting off my air a little longer holding on a little longer until no one else would have had to put up with me had to be disappointed in me had to hate me i can't leave now though what's the use of surviving if i'm only going to go away again? i am not happy but i can find happiness on my own in my own way i need a chance to feed myself an opportunity and then they can all breathe a sigh of relief "thank god she's gone" and talk about me behind my back and lie to my face "of course we love you" and hate you and humiliate you and stand aside while you are hated and humiliated there's nothing pure in human affection it's crowded about with insecurities and despair and unkept promises i'll take friends over lovers lovers over family cats over everyone it makes me happy to make them happy it's what keeps me here still trying
January 28, 2018
